The Perfect Man
When your kink is a guy in an apron.
I attended my friend Michelle’s Halloween party this year, held in her charming 1920’s home, in a comfortable neighborhood in Pasadena. Michelle’s get-togethers, whatever the occasion, are always gracious, intimate gatherings with delicious fare and smart, diverse, unpretentious people doing good work in the world – work that has broader impact locally, nationally and internationally than their unassuming manner might convey. I can have a real conversation at Michelle’s gatherings, and everyone gets involved, hunkering down around the coffee table to tackle some timely question the way some families dive with relish into a board game.
In sum, her parties are a pleasure.
And yet, I am still an introvert, only playing an extrovert in the world. And so, at about an hour in, I drifted into the kitchen to see if I could lend a hand.
There, as expected, I found a mountain of dirty dishes – glasses, plates, pots and pans piled high. I removed my jacket, rolled up my sleeves, tucked my tie into my shirt and found an apron crammed like an old dishrag into the door handle of the fridge.
I went quietly to work.
Sometime later, a straight, cis woman sauntered in for coffee. Cup in hand, she stood aside for a moment and appraised me.
“A man in an apron: Mmmmm. That is so sexy!” she said.
“It’s a turn on?” I mirrored her.
“Oh, yes!”
“Why is it so sexy?”
“I dunno. It just IS!” she purred and, topping off her cup, left me to it. Folks don’t always appreciate a cross-examination, particularly at a party.
A man in an apron is sexy, I imagine, like an unusual kink or fetish, because so few straight, cis women ever see it.
“Oh, yeah,” affirmed my pal Sophie, “in all the marriages I’ve witnessed, it’s rare for a man to do anything but leave a mess.”
That is tragic – and unnecessary. There is no dishwashing gene that makes one proficient at cleanup. It’s not a gender-specific, DNA-directed talent.
It’s nurture, not nature.
Ask any Army or Marine Corps veteran who can still bounce a coin off a rack taut as a drumhead. Anyone can do it.
And more cis men should.
Weeks after the party, Michelle’s mom Barbara – a goddess with a sophisticated Diana Vreeland bearing and sassy black bob – told Michelle that she considered me “The Perfect Man.”
“He’s a wonderful listener; he’s very handsome; he’s warm and attentive; he’s always well dressed; and he does dishes,” said Barbara.
“And I really like him in that apron.”
“I thought he might be an introvert in need of a break from the party,” she added, “but plenty of guys are introverted and don’t do the dishes.”
It’s funny now to get applause for doing things I did unheralded as a woman for so many years. Same-sex couples generally aren’t burdened by the labor imbalances that plague heterosexuals: In queer relationships – at least the ones I’ve been in – domestic duties are apportioned according to interest and aptitude, not embodiment or expression. It’s not remarkable to see femmes of whatever gender with a serious suite of power tools and butch persons cooking and cleaning.
But the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS), a part of the U.S. Department of Labor, lets us know why the sight of a man doing dishes makes some straight cis women kvell: It’s still uncommon.
According to the BLS in its 2024 time-use survey, the latest figures available, only 25 percent of men (on an average day) reported doing housework (including laundry), versus 49 percent of women. [i]
Women spent 1.8 hours per day performing domestic chores – including housework, cooking & clean up, and household management – while men spent only 1.4 hours on the same activities.
At first glance, this may seem a small difference, but it adds up. Doing the math, this means that women do nearly three hours more housework per week than men; more than 11 hours per month; and nearly 135 hours more per year.
Newsflash, gents: We’re well into the 21st Century. Do a dish. Dust a table. Shoulder a broom. Fold some laundry.
Do it because opposable thumbs make it possible.
Do it to atone for the dicks, past and present, who’ve stood by and let women do all the dirty work.
Do it because it’s the right thing to do.
Do it unbidden.
Do it with pleasure.
Do it daily.
And wear an apron.
She will notice.
And guaranteed, you’ll get lucky.
If you’re not too tired.
[i] https://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/atus.pdf
https://www.bls.gov/tus/database.htm
So true, Kevin will absolutely not wash a dish or fold laundry but he has been seen vacuuming, and that's good enough for me!!
LOL, that’s right!